Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.

• The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.